


12 months at the RED house

by kc_m00n



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Attempt at Humor, F/F, Fluff, Humor, Inspired by Real Events, Lesbian Character, M/M, Sexual Humor, Sibling Rivalry, Team Bonding, Team as Family, hey rfe fellas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29119908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kc_m00n/pseuds/kc_m00n
Summary: the guys and the girl move in that's about it
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Soldier/Zhanna (Team Fortress 2)
Kudos: 3





	1. January

January

3,2,1 happy new year!!

This was finally the first day in the house. they had just finished moving in at the exact time the new years ball had dropped.

At the occasion, everyone in the RED house, that wasn’t even red nor a house, all cheered and popped a nice expensive bottle of champagne Demo and Medic bought. After exchanging a few happy new year kisses, they sat down and did their yearly tradition of their future hopes and plans.

Medic gets up, looks at his companions and smiles. 

“Ah! my first hope would be getting my medical license back. It’s been 3 years I don’t like the black market anymore. I miss taking care of people’s real and human uteruses a lot!”

Everyone just smiled and nodded. Crazy ass. Pyro enjoyed those words and clapped with a big big smile.

The next person to get up was Engineer

“I just hope my boss dies, both of them! I want to spend more time at the house an’ working the shop”

“Eh, right on that one mate, missing the outside..” whispered sniper

After everyone made their future wishes, it was time for the real deal. The Confessions.

Demo got up, stood up straight and let the words flow.

“Ayem only worried for the cleanliness of the house. aye also do not care for that ‘sexo’ group, Medic!”

“What the fuck did you just say??! THEY’RE CALLED EXO, DUMMKOPF.  
ALSO, DO NOT LOOK AT ME WHEN INVOLVING HYGIENE….Archimedes is cleaner than Scout…”

Scout stopped laughing and joined the men yelling about kpop and whatnot “WOAH WOAH WOAH?? ITS MY ROOM I GET TO DO WHAT I WANT!”

Spy scoffed,” your apartment was coated with mould and freelancer rats, scout. This isn’t your debate.”

the four men’s debacle almost descended into a fight, like usual until Soldier screamed laughter.

“SETTLE DOWN LADIES! I HAVE SOMETHING HILARIOUS I JUST REMEMBERED!!”

Scout let go of Spys neck and Medic held back from slapping Demo in the face.

“Well? What is it? The fight was getting good, mate’ smirked sniper gazing upon his roommates.

“DOYOUGUYSREMEMBERHWNEWEHADTOGOTOHEAVYSHOUSEBECAUSEHEHADSOMESTUFFHAPPENIDNGTOHMANDHENEEDEDHELPANDTHENWEATEBEARMEATANDTHNETHEREWASHISMOTHERANDABDELINCONANDHISSISTERSAND-”

Engie put his hand on his shoulder, signalling he had to slow down

“Comrade. I’m marrying your sister this year!”

Everyone was glad to hear the news! Unlike last year's raccoon farm surprise, this would sound fun and comforting for the group's friendship.

One by one they turned to Heavy’s face expecting some kind of reaction, after all it’s his sister we’re talking about here.

“Heavy is going on a walk, said the Russian while getting up and taking his phone, Don’t follow.” the emotion in his face was hard to grasp! I guess no one had told him about the relationship between the two.

As the big man reached for the door, a small woman in a purple puffy jacket appeared. 

“Hey, guys! Sorry, I’m late again, Helen’s always got me doing something but at least I had time to get you guys gifts!” 

Pyro gesticulated at this by flapping their arms in excitement and pulling the others out of the kitchen to the living room.

Pauling took time to make custom accessories for each roommate according to their design.

A special stethoscope for Medic, a little fire friend plushie for Pyro, a mug with the American flag and soldier’s special emblem engraved on its bottom, a special drink coaster for demo. Cufflinks for the Frenchman, cozy pillows for Sniper, a set of pens and notebooks for Heavy and for Engineer, a brand new shining toolbox.

“Don’t worry, Scout! Your gifts in my car, I’ll go take it!” exclaimed the girl in purple going out

a little ‘oh okay!’ came from an extremely flustered Scout that was followed by a few laughs.

Lucky Scout, he got the biggest gift of them all!

“J-jeez I don’t even know what to say! I didn’t even get you a gift and I well-”

He was caught off by the woman  
“Only gift id like from you all is a great year, and as for you scout, come work with me. It’ll mean a lot”

His entire filled with a lovely red, he promised he’d work with her at whatever job she had and opened his gift

Holy shit. Original. Exclusive. Expensive. Custom Nike shoes for Scout with a note that said “you’ll need this at the job :)” 

Everyone went ahead and gave Pauling a great big hug, mostly Scout who’d thanked her a thousand times.

Yeah, this year gonna be nice.


	2. RED February pt1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, February, the month of love and pink. Blood and red for other people.

Jeremy had organized a daily routine so he could go to work in time to impress his longtime crush now roommate, Felicity Pauling.

Here’s how it went: Waking up with his favourite song of the moment until he reaches the bathroom with groove in his body. He brushes his teeth in the shower (for efficiency) and cleans his body with Désiré’s expensive body wash and Ludwig’s excellent hair products, without asking of course. Taking Tavish’s body lotion to babyfy his skin and dressing up for work.

Jeremy packs a pair of white socks in his bag along with a hoodie from his college, neatly placing them to not ruin the beautiful shoes Felicity gave to him. Picks up a food bag from Dell and heads into Pauling’s car, like usual.

“G-good morning Felicity! Did you uh..sleep well?”

_ That was a horrible question, she NEVER sleeps _

Her face lit up with a smile that made him melt on the car seat

“Actually, I had 8 hours today! Thank you for asking- Uh oh It’s 8:10! Were gonna be late!”

Pauling ran off without giving Scout enough time to wear his seatbelt making his head hit the dashboard in retaliation

  
  
  


Before work, there was a meeting, usually, Pauling would’ve told Scout beforehand but for a rare occasion, she left it a surprise.

The  _ Administrator _ comes in, smoking a cigarette in her mouth, which she shouldn’t do at a school, holding a folder.

“ _ Ahem,  _ she says with her raspy voice, due to certain events at this certainly appalling school, we have changed janitors.” As she throws the folder on the table she glances over and tells the new janitor to come inside.

A girl wearing a purple boiler suit whose sleeves had been rolled to the elbows. She looks around and glances at everyone’s faces.

She winks at Felicity, making her blush...Scout notices this and stood there dumbfounded 

_ Did they know each other?! _

His further thoughts being interrupted by the girl getting in Jeremy’s face.

“Can a girl get a hi back? I’m Keeana, and you are?”   
  
The boy stared at the lady’s face and for the first time  _ ever  _ in his life, he analyzed.

She had a black and flowy mullet that jumped with the wind. Her dark skin shone under the light she stood under. On the hand she was holding out for a handshake from the man, the nails were  _ short  _ and coated with a delicate white.

“Erm...I’m uh...Jeremy! I hope you have fun working here and hey I’m always here” said Scout in his usual flirtatious tone

This got Keeana and Felicity stare at each other for a long time before laughing

“It’s nice to meet you, Jeremy! Well, I’ll be cleaning toilets now Bye-bye!” She leaves pointing finger guns at Pauling which makes her.. _ giggle _

_ “Yeah, something’s going on between those two _ ” thought Scout leaving for work.

During the last period, Mr. Jeremy Fuller had his hardest to control class.

They weren’t insane, they just...can’t settle down on their own. Today was their pacer test, also known as a pain in the fuckin’ ass.

“ALRIGHT CLASS PUT DOWN THE BASKETBALLS AND COME TO THE CENTRE”

Of course, no one listened 

He sighed in retaliation and took out his loudest whistle and blew into it.

The sharp noise got all the students to settle down and listen.

“Alright, bad news, guys and girls! The boxing session has been displaced for next week, I know, it  _ sucks  _ but we don’t have a choice because TODAY IS THE DAY!” exclaims the P.E teacher revealing a blackboard that says ‘Pacer Test 2day :]’ 

That got mixed reactions from many students, some happy, some sad. He understands that some people aren’t good physically and that makes them insecure but Jeremy does the best he can to help those kids.

He had to find a way to make this fun, and he did

“Okay, guys here’s the deal…”

  
  


The teacher made it so the test was in 5 teams of equal strengths and weaknesses and they were good to go.

First wave: team D wins!

Second wave: team B wins

Third-wave: a tie between E and C

Fourth wave: oh my god a kid just threw up their entire lunch due to anxiety 

Oh my FUCKING GOD A KID SLIPPED INTO THE VOMIT

“Oh...SHIT”

“Language Mister Fuller!” yelled a student

“Just- JUST STAY HERE GIVE ME A MINUTE”

Jeremy pressed onto the school intercom and called for help for the dire situation.

After a few minutes, Keeana and Felicity come inside, in a hurry.

The man is relieved when he sees his friend in front of her.

“H-hey Pauling you uhh free later? Because like I could use the ride! In your car I mean because like I don’t drive or I could take the bus but it’s okay I can- what’s that”

“What’s what?”

“...on your neck,, what is th-“ Uh oh! The bell rang day’s over and the kids run out of the gym

“I have to go, Admin needs me! Like usual eh..”

“Oh yeah I totally get that but uh..for that usual ride..you still on?”

“Oh! Yeah..sorry Scout..I have a thing tonight with Keeana! Do you have any change for the bus or can I get you some..?”

“Pff I got so much change, it’s insane ahahahhhh”

_ No, I don’t  _

“...okay! Well see you at the house!” said Pauling running out of the Gym to meet Helen

He glances over to the janitor who was still cleaning up the vomit.

“Hey um, did you see that thing on her neck? Well, I don’t expect you to since y'know, you don’t know her very well.” 

Keeana tsked,” oh I’m sure we know each other well. Had a nice day with her today.” She brought down the top part of her uniform to reveal multiple scratches on her back that looked pretty fresh.

Scout just stood there, mouth wide open in shock.

_ What the hell just happened  _

The janitor comes closer to him forcing his mouth shut.

“Don’t let flies get in, buddy” she says leaving the gym with a bucket of vomit

Scout packs his bags like usual and texts Ludwig

  
  


**Medick and balls**

4:45 pm

**Hey lol can u come pick me up? I don’t have any change for the bus**

  
  


**_Ask Pauling or someone else. I’m dissecting a human heart as we speak_ **

**U think i wouldnt ask her? shes “busy” with some girl**

  
  


**_Mein gott FEIN but you are going to have to wait._ **

  
  


_ God that dude sucks,  _ thought Scout.

At least an hour and 15 minutes passed and everyone had left, except Felicity of course.

Jeremy went ahead and tried finding his roommate in the big school.

She wasn’t at the front deck or the Administrator’s office, so he went to the second floor. Not in the library or the faculty room. The third floor was left and made sure to search thoroughly as he was getting worried.

_ Last room _ , he thought to himself, sighing.

He slowly opened the door to the infirmary and saw something he wasn’t supposed to.

Felicity was literally, making out with Keeana. She was kissing her as if it was a movie. If love at first sight, was a thing, that’d definitely be it.

He knows he shouldn’t be there and tries to leave as quietly as possible but 

Jesus Christ, Medic calls at literally the worst fucking times.

  
  


Scout jumps into Medics suspiciously clean car, white as a sheet, drenched with sweat.

The doctor knows something’s wrong but the young man won’t budge.

“You have exactly three seconds to say vhat is wrong.

“Nothings wrong doc I’m just tired”

“Ein”

“Cmon man y-you can’t do this I just got out of work”

“ _ Zwei.” _

“GEEZ OKAY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

The German chuckled 

“Vell? Let me hear it.”

Scout shifts in the cramped BMW and crosses his arms.

“I..I don’t think Pauling’s...into dudes..”

Medic suddenly stops the car in the middle of the highway, leaving his headlights on for the other drivers, and gets out of the car.

He walks a few circles around the vehicle and rubs his face and nose.

“WOO DAS IST MEIN MÄDCHEN HAHAHA IF THERE IS A GOD YOU DID SOMETHING AMAZING”

  
  


Medic comes back into the car and ties his seatbelt. 

“It is good for her to understand who she is, and you should too. That’s what makes a good relationship acceptance”

Valentine’s day was just around the corner and it'd be a good day to talk about romance and someone else's sexuality...right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOO THATS THE FIRST TIME I EVERR WRITE 1K WORDS IN ONE CHAPTER DANG ! ! ! ! I take requests 
> 
> sometimes


	3. Chapter 3

On a chilly yet comfortable Valentine’s evening, the RED House had gotten a little celebration together. A lovely dressed table, by the courtesy of Pyro, a tasty seafood dinner by Demo and Engie, champagnes and red wines brought by Medic and Spy. All this was accompanied by Sniper’s vinyls and borrowed (stolen) record player from his dreadful job.

Pyro and Dell are always more invested in occasions like these than others may think, and this year, they had people who were seriously romantically involved! Which made them more and more excited to celebrate the moment. 

Heavy had to go pick Soldier from Zhanna’s house since neither could drive. Good reasons at that.

By the time the fiancéed and Mikal came back, everything was in place. 

“Hallo Herr Heavy und hallo zu deiner schönen schwester! I am so glad to meet you! Your brother is a good man.” Ludwig was about to give a slight peck onto Zhanna’s rosy powdered cheek, out of pure European courtesy...until he got manhandled by Pyro in a cupid outfit. Successfully putting down Medic, they flashed a glorified thumbs up at a camera. Was it always there? Who knows.

Teeny tiny clicks and clacks came from down the hallway, it was a little red army of small Engineers. Each of them was holding a pretty flower in their metallic claws. If that wasn’t enough, there was more. Canons, brought from Mann Co. emerged from the walls, shooting 16 deafening foggy shots.

As the smoke disappeared, what the couple had seen was the word ‘congratulations!’ In pure australium bars.  _ Woah. _

“C...O….M…” said Jane rubbing his chin in deep thought. Zhanna took off her black high heels, throwing them to god knows where. Exclaiming “who gets less metal men lose!” in broken English, thus making the engieBots running in fear.

“Aye, so much for an entrance, innit lad?” Said demo with a smug grin on his face, leaning onto the little mechanic. 

* * *

  
  


The supper was quite simply delicious, scrumptious even. They had made small talk to Zhanna and they bonded quickly, even too quickly from the Russian man’s point of view. 

Ludwig put down a kettle of hot water and some tea sachets, Mundy was making coffee in the kitchen and Désiré came back from his usual outdoor smoke.

“Well nevermind that stupid entrance from earlier, me and firebug were just really happy for you! For a matter of fact, how did you two meet?”

“It is long story, but very lovely!” said the woman leaning in her future husband

“She got me fired from my job! The one with the paper and boxes!”

“They are called mailmen, Jane”

“SHUT UP FRENCHIE, anyways I had to give a box to this house and all of that nonsense, I knocked and no one answered! So obviously I broke in, no letters are left behind! That is the faith of a true American! And there she was, naked and covered in blood! I had two options, fight or flight! So I got naked as well and put my fists up!”

Everyone in the dining room stared at the couple, concerned. 

“I don’t recall what happened after but! we sure did knock boots!”

“AHAH I ALMOST KILLED HIM!”

The tension in the room got weirder, and naturally, Désiré had to intervene

“Good god, you are really into that? Does not surprise me much” said the Frenchman

Soldier got up, puffed his chest and pushed his finger on Désiré’s chest 

“WELL? SHOOT IT OUT. WHAT DO YOU LIKE?”   
  
Damn, he really set his own ass up.

“Well, I, erm, Spy looked around the room and was met with a few curious and intense stares from his friends, during my ‘prime’ I did not mind dressing up as a woman.”

The room would’ve been filled with shock and confusion, had it not been for Scout’s loud snickers a laughter

“OH MAN THAT’S, THAT IS A SHOCKER! THAT WHY MOM LEFT YOU TOO GIRLY?”

“Rahh shut up about that for a minute. Mind I need to remind you what I found in your 16-year-old closet?”

“um. No, you don’t have to talk about that. CAN WE PLEASE CHANGE SUBJECTS?”

“A little short story I found in your 16-year-old closet, I forgot the other lady’s name but I suppose that it was a self inserted story that you wrote about er...what is it called again? Ah! Yes, pegging. I have not heard of such a thing until you unconsciously made me see. I do not think you get to make fun of me.”

Surprisingly, that made people laugh at Spy whether than Scout

“Lad, I think the fact you had never had a lassie in you is stranger than anyone’s fetish’ here, added Tavish, but I’ll let in somethin’ for ya’...I like it when my other eye’s blinded as well..AH! Also when my partner, tells me I’m doing good, not too bad I think”

The tension had eased a lot more in the room, it was just dudes being guys, talking about..man stuff

Sniper sighed and put his hat aside.

“This isn’t really something I’m open to talk about but..I am suopehngjgnfpl” grumbled the Aussie

“SON WHEN YOU SPEAK TO US, SPEAK WITH YOUR CHIN UP, LIKE ITS PICTURE DAY!”

“Fine! Ropes and tying ... _ myself _ up. It’s a long story and I refuse to explain it”

Pyro felt that Mundy was feeling somewhat uncomfortable, so they came around him, pat his back and signed with his gloves

“It’s okay! I enjoy burning hot candle wax on me. I don’t think it’s too strange, it’s therapeutic even, you should try it with me sometimes, Dell =3!”

“Pyro I’m gonna have to refuse. And I’m sorry to ruin the train but I believe I’m pretty simple when it comes to sex? At least from what I know...I’m pretty open to everything” said Engie with a face full of blush

Medic refused to answer the question saying that explaining it would take too much effort and after all, the others had just eaten.

“Zhat’s enough about me, I’m more curious about what what  _ you,  _ like Heavy!” said the doctor poking at the much larger man

Heavy crossed his arms, frowned and said ‘No.’ with no hesitation

“Ah, Misha do not be scared because I’m here...I have seen you naked more than you think! It is not weird”

Yes Zhanna that is weird

Heavy sighed and hid his face with his big hands.

“Heavy likes being three...while doing it.”

  
  


That was unexpected for someone as reserved and loyal as Mikal to enjoy something so...unusual

“Who was in your last um..thing” asked Scout in a curious tone

“Twins.”

That word sparked a light at the table and everyone started yelling at each other.

February was a delight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOD writing is hard BUT PRACTICE MAKES BETTER!


	4. RED March

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A newcomer settles for a while and tension comes with

Medic and the rest of the team were decorating a stray room in the vast house.

Scout wanted it to be a game room to store his PlayStation, other consoles and comics. While Pyro wants to make a tea room for them and their many plushies, as they tried to make a compromise,medic-gets an unexpected phone call.,

" Ludwig. It's me." said a frustrated voice on the phone

“It’s  _ you _ ?” Medic asked the man on the other side of the line.

“Ugh, dein Bruder. Benimm dich nicht so, als hättest du mich vergessen.”

The RED doctor shrieked in happiness. It was his lovely younger brother, the  _ BLU _ Medic

“Oh! That I’ve missed you! When will you come see me? We have much to catch up to!”

“...shut up, the younger brother protested with embarrassment in his voice, I’m coming tomorrow. My place had a err…’flut im Keller’ and I have nowhere else to go so I’m asking you..dear brother.” those last words said by the BLU sounded sick, I suppose he is not fond of his  _ dear  _ brother after all.

Ludwig accepted the offer in a heartbeat and gracefully hanged up.

“WHAT? COMICS ARENT STUPID!! SQUISHMALLOWS ARE STUPID-” yelled Jeremy at Pyro, still arguing for the room

“EVERYBODY SHUT UP! I know exactly what to do with the room” yelled Ludwig with his usual smug and evil smile.

“I don’t trust that. And I’m sure I want a surgical room in my house,” said Mundy accidentally leaning against the newly painted wall.

“Ugh, Dummkopf. We can make it a guest room! If anyone here has friends!

…

or some family?”

The rest of the team agreed and started buying stuff for the room online.

  
  


After 3 days of painting, building and decorating, Ludwig went to pick up his brother from his house.

He lived alone with his pet snake. Ludwig was quite surprised to see the rich neighbourhood his relative resided in. 

_ Just what was his job?  _ subconsciously asked The older sibling setting his car into the driveway.

**_Knock Kno-_ **

Right before he could’ve finished his little tune onto the door, the little, bitter Manuel opened his door, locked it and headed to the car. 

“Aww, Don’t be such a baby..It’ll be fun! I promise you”

“Tch. You also promised to not break my arm when I was 8”

Ludwig thought of that dear memory and smiled, “you were so  _ bezaubernd _ when you were smaller!”

Manuel, flustered stuffed his things into the car and sat with his head resting in his head.

Driving away from Manuel’s home, reaching closer to the RED house, Ludwig tries to break away from the awkward silence.

“So...from what I saw you have a very very nice house! A good front garden too,  _ mutter  _ would've been proud of you!”

The other doctor still looks outside, glaring at the road and nods in agreement to his brother.

“Speaking of which...exactly what is your job?”

Manuel looked shocked at the question and broke out in a stuttering mess.

“Uh-um well, I uh...I work at-“ muttered the BLU before cut off by his older brother.

“Oh I think I know what you mean..I’ve been in that line of work for a few years when I was a doctor! Was fun for a while, but you need to stay safe, mein geliebter Bruder…”

“Ludwig what the fuck are you talking about. I’m not a prostit-“

“WE’RE HERE!” yelled out the RED “doctor” hitting the breaks, swerving into the house’s driveway.

That day, the other REDs stayed home for the weekend, which is very rare since they were all so busy.

  
  


“guten Nachmittag, Scout!”

“Hey doc”

“Hallo...Scout”

“Hey slightly smaller doc

_ wait _ ”

Ludwig led Manuel up the stairs and showed him the door to his room.

“We made this room  _ especially  _ for you! Go ahead, open it”

The BLU opened the door and gets a faceful of Heavy’s tits.

“Doktor? Are you okay? Did Ludwig get new glasses?”

“OW COULD YOU STOP GETTING IN PEOPLES WAY?”

“Where is accent?, Heavy looked up and glanced at his  _ actual _ medic, Who is this little man?”

“Ahh, Mikal! I thought you left for work!  _ This  _ is our guest! Say hallo Manuel” said Ludwing practically throwing himself onto his Heavy and clinging on his big arm.

Manuel glared at Mikal,then Ludwig and Mikal again. As he was about to scowl at him he suddenly changed attitude and held the Russian’s big arm at his turn.

“Oh! I’m just sooo endeared to stay here with you... _ Mika,  _ surely you’ll introduce me to the rest of your team, right  _ mein süßer Bruder _ ?”

“Manuel, I know exactly what it is you are doing. And it will not work a-HEAVY.”

Heavy was delighted by the brother’s reaction and exclaimed, “Good to hear! We will cook together tonight, goodbye for now.” and left the room.

“Tonight, you  _ will behave _ ,” said Ludwing leaving at his turn

“I will, brother, I will,” whispered Manuel, smiling with ill intent.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOO WE MAY GET 2 MORE CHAPTERS TODAY ! THANK YOU FOR READING

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically a big love letter to my silly little Instagram buddies and these chapters are almost all inspired by shitty convos we have! I might give names to the fellas so it'll feel less weird! also I need to reheat to the flavor of writing fics again loool cringe still flows through my veins sorry if its short


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